You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway