Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
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Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The French word for sex is croissant.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.