Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
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People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
what could possibly go wrong?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.