You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.