The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?