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God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
A short story about romance.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup