I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
#oldknees
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning