Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
At least my masseuse has my back.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes