If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
j o i m p
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.