I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared