A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My five year plan is a meteorite
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
“How’s your day going?”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No