AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I hate my earbuds.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.