My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up