friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
bout dat hot dog summer
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
How does one answer this?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Anyone want a chair?