Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
no one likes gloating
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.