My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
You Might Also Like
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now