cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.