A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Hard not to take this personally
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.