I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I love the National Park Service.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Eat…
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.