Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I hope google does well on my son’s test
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off