You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I’d … I’d rather not.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Happens to everyone.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*