Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.