customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
knights of the ikea table
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.