Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
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No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
New menu item
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”