The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”