[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
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Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Twitter fine art
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions