My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)