The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
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SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
23. the denim jacket
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.