pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
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My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
when you are just born a rebel
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no