I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
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NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point