Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
uh oh
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.