Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
He a real one for that
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I identify as an antique shop.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”