jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
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Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
No chill.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Meow
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.