The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
This is so me 😂😂
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.