I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
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*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Go hard or stay average