The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
WWE is French for “yes”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
welp
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.