Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
You Might Also Like
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Netflix and you sit over there.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?