people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
RT if you could go either way.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw