i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.