I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Oh. My. God.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
#TopTip
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Butt weight. There’s more!
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god