Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
You Might Also Like
Happy Taco Tuesday
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
The honesty is refreshing
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.