Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.