Happy Friday
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater