ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
thanks auntie mary
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
It’s a gift
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least