Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
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Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Covid like
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?