Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
You Might Also Like
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”