When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Shower sex be like:
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?