In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”