[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.