[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy